Toys "Я" Us Is BACK!!!*
*Kinda
NBC News- One of America's most iconic toy stores is returning to brick-and-mortar retail just in time for this year's holiday season. Toys"R"Us will open shops inside every Macy's store in the U.S. by mid-October, part of a rollout that began last year, the companies announced in a release on Monday.
The in-store shops will range from 1,000 square feet to 10,000 square feet, with the ability to expand up to an additional 3,000 square feet to offer an even wider assortment of products. The shops will feature hands-on demonstration tables, as well as a life-size Geoffrey Giraffe sitting on a bench for families to take photos with.
Look, I'm happy to see my guy Geoffrey rising from his grave, even if he's in some weird ass cartoon form. My love of his store should be clear considering I Googled "backwards R" in order to correctly write out Toys "Я" Us. in this blog.
However, saying that Toys "Я" Us is alive again because they will be opening shops inside of every Macy's is like bringing a person back to life then telling them the only way they were able to rise from their grave is because you gave them a brain tumor that will likely kill them sooner rather than later.
I mean I guess there's a chance that an old brick and mortar store like Macy's makes a huge comeback despite the world becoming more and more digital by the minute. However, I'd feel a hell of a lot better about Geoffrey's chances of living a long second life if he struck up an alliance with Target since everyone still seems to fuck with Target in the 2020s or even our future world conqueror Jeff Bezos (despite Amazon kinda killing Geoffrey the first time).
The sickest part of all this? I'm actually fine with Toys "Я" Us being set up to fail and Geoffrey inevitably getting his giant neck cut off once and for all by the giant guillotine of capitalism unless every grandparent in the world decides to spoil their grandchild whenever they go to Macy's.
Yeah I'm a child of the 90s that gets filled with dopamine every time I hear their old theme song.
As well as the remixed song that came out when everyyyyyyything was being given a hip hop twist.
However, as a parent of a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old that just so happen to be in the prime ages of toy store haggling, there is no place on Earth I'd want to be less than in the middle of a Macy's as they hang on my leg begging for a Bowser's Castle and whatever dreamhouse Barbie is living in these days. Simply walking through the tiny toy section of Kohl's with them as we looked to unload our wealth of Kohl's Cash had me looking for the nearest exit as well as bridge. I don't know how parents survived the 90s when there were multiple toy stores for kids to beg you to take them to and no iPads to crush their attention with. But as someone living in these chaotic times, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy let alone dealing with kids getting their first taste of Toys "Я" Us out of the blue after wandering away from those creepy cologne sprayers.
So in closing of this blog announcing that Toys "Я" Us is back, I will also pray that Geoffrey rests in peace when he dies for a second time in the coming months. God I hope he doesn't tweet out anything super sad again because this shit almost broke me.
For more middling parental advice from professional idiots that live in the past, check out the latest episode of Podfathers!